2ww update

**Trigger warning
Well, I’m 6 weeks pregnant. I had my first beta and it was 11, which didn’t seem promising, but then I had my second beta and it was 530! I had them taken almost 7 days apart. The doubling time was 32 hours, which is great! My progesterone was also up to 22. I barely have any symptoms, so of course, this makes me nervous for what’s to come. I have an ultrasound on Friday to check for viability. I have a near panic attack every time I think about for more than a few minutes. I don’t think my husband is going to be able to go with me either. He is going to come home and stay with H while I go. I don’t want to take H bc I know what it’s like to see a baby in an imaging center waiting room and wonder if you’ll ever have one of your own. I just can’t do it. I’ll update after the u/s. We welcome any good vibes or prayers. Thank you! 

And, the saga continues…

Well, I tested last night, which is totally dumb because I was only 10dpo, maybe less. I asked my husband to grab a two pack of FRER (I know, I can’t believe he actually agreed to pick them up either!) and he got the regular First Response tests, you know the ancient ones that tell you you’re pregnant on the day you miss your period! AH! I mean, who the hell waits that long? So, last night, stark white with ONE line. I knew that it would be. I mean..it’s a regular pregnancy test at the end of the day on 9-10dpo. It’s laughable and I know better! Anyway, this morning, I took the other one. Hudson had just woken up and was crying, but I HAD TO PEE and the test was right there so….
I glanced at the test about 30 seconds after I took it and I didn’t see a second line. I ran to get Hudson and then forgot about it until I put him down for a nap. I went back to look at it again and I SWEAR I see something. I mean, it’s hours later, so it could easily be an evap line or my delusional, crazy imagination!!! You guys. I am literally watching the monitor and waiting for my sweet boy to wake up so that I can whisk him off to Target to buy more tests…real, I-want-to-know-as-early-as-possible tests. I feel like I have pregnancy test PTSD. My heart is racing. I am afraid and anxious. I am what iffing my head off…what if I am pregnant, what if I need to be on progesterone RIGHT NOW, what if I didn’t start taking the aspirin soon enough, what if being off of my high dose of folate for months is bad, what if I lose another baby, what if I wouldn’t have lost the imaginary baby if I had prepared more for pregnancy? You guys, I am a woman crazed today…

accidental 2ww

Well, it’s official. I am an idiot. My husband and I have not been using birth control, but always abstain when “we’re supposed to.” Long story short, I miscalculated BY A WEEK when I was ovulating! A WEEK. I use an app and I misread it. So, here we are. I am afraid, but in reality, I think….what are the odds? I started on 81 mg aspirin again, just in case (as if it’s that easy!). I have never had a problem getting pregnant, but staying pregnant is another story. I will probably test later this week, but seriously, what are the odds? It’s not even that I am not ready for another one….it’s that I am not ready to lose another one. ❤

Breastfeeding woes

I wish it could just be easy!! I have had so many bfing issues….tongue tie, lip tie, low supply, major blisters and cracked, bleeding nipples. I could go on, but you get the point. Anyway, I have been nursing about once a day or less lately and pumping the rest of the time. Welllll, my growing boy has decided to eat every hour and a half the last 2 weeks and he isn’t letting up. Until today, I have been able to keep up by pumping 8 times a day. Today I am barely ahead on my milk supply in the fridge and I’m at a loss. I have formula from when we supplemented the first couple of weeks, but Im not sure if I should use it or just pump even more (and possibly go crazy) in an effort to increase my supply. Ugh. I will tell you one thing, after dealing with RPL, it seems so stupid that I am even stressed about this. Everyone and their dog has an opinion about my breastfeeding and I feel like it’s totally messing with me!!!
Also, is eating this often normal?! He literally eats every hour or hour and a half from 7am to 5pm. Maybe I should give him more?? I have no idea!
End rant.

Time

I type this as I sit on the toilet, staring at my sleeping baby boy, anxious that he’ll wake up before I have time to pump, eat and wash botttles (I would say shower, but that’s a pipe dream!). When he wakes up, he’ll giggle and smile and Ill forget that I don’t even have time to pee (or write this post!). #motherhood #newborn

Game Changers (for baby) Vol.1

As most expecting mothers, eventually you start registering for, researching and buying stuff for baby.  I researched the hell out of everything to the point that of obsession and now that he’s here, I am making list of the things we couldn’t have lived without the first 8 weeks! These are mostly soothing type things, though I will say he literally cried only a couple of times until he was about 4 weeks old. Since then, he def has a fussy time (usually mornings) most days.

For us, these have been game changers…

• Fisher Price Newborn Rock and Play Sleeper- H slept in this the couple of weeks and naps in multiple times a day.  This is a must have item in my opinion.  I carry this thing from room to room everyday.  I take in the bathroom so I can shower, in the kitchen so I can cook (I say cook loosely…let’s say heat things up!) or clean my pump stuff (which I HATE), wherever.
• Wipe warmer- I didn’t register for one because I thought it was a silly device and waste of money.  I was WRONG.  We didn’t have one the first week and Mr. H screamed his head off any time we’d change him.  I just though he hated having his diaper changed.  Nope.  It was the wipes!  My mom and I went to Target one evening and she talked me into getting one.  Diaper changes since we started using it are, dare I say,…pleasant.  Get one.  They’re worth it.
• Ergo 360 baby carrier- This has changed my life!  I know it has only been 8 weeks, but it really has.  Not only can you resume tasks that require two hands, but this sucker is a baby whisperer.  I am not kidding.  If H is crying and there’s no reason (he’s been changed, fed, etc), I put him in this, walk around and he is instantly calm and soon asleep.  At first, I thought it had to be a fluke, but it’s not.  I put him in this several times a day, sometimes to get dishes done or do some other two handed activity, but also to calm him down.  I will say, I had a Moby and Boba and could NOT get them on fast enough to calm him down. I suppose if I waited until he was asleep or already calm and put him in it, it would be fine.  But, these were so complicated and I was so frustrated trying to put them on (and get him in them), that I returned them.  I’d like to try another baby carrier (maybe a Ka’tan or Nesting Days??), but not one that takes me 10+ minutes to figure out!
• Baby 411 (Book):  This book is like having a pediatrician at your house 24/7.  I bought several “How to take care of my newborn” type books and this is BY FAR the best one.  It answers EVERY question you could possibly think during the first year.  And, it was just updated, so the new revision is very current (August 2015).  They also have a Toddler 411 book that I will get and an Expecting 411 book that I wish I’d had when I was pregnant!
• Mam pacifiers- Yes, pacifiers are controversial, but I don’t care.  We have found that he only wants one when he’s fussy for no reason.  The Mam newborn ones stay in his mouth and are much smaller than the 0-3 month ones.  Our pediatrician said that if we didn’t want our future toddler to become dependent on the paci, then we should ditch it between 6-9 months.  Otherwise, it’s no longer just a soother, but habit.  I have no idea what we’ll do, but it’s good info to have.
• Highland’s Gas Drops- I don’t know if these work like charm or if it’s just in my head, but I swear they work instantaneously.  Sometimes, it takes a few doses, but it does the trick better than others we tried. Maybe he just likes the grape taste. Who knows?!
• Zantac- we had an overnight hospital stay last week bc H was puking up SO MUCH breastmilk and seemed so uncomfortable and in pain. It turns out, it’s probably acid reflux. After a couple of days on Zantac, he is a happier baby and though he still spits up a lot, I don’t think he is as uncomfortable. PTL!
• Stroller with bassinet/car seat (we have an Uppababy Vista)- Again, I use this a lot as a soothing device when H is tired,but not sleeping. I drive it all around the house and usually H falls asleep or calms down as soon as we get going.
• White noise- Anything that makes the white noise sound works! Sometimes it’s the dryer or washer or an app on my phone or a box fan, but it helps H sleep without startling (he startles SO easily!)
• Changing the environment- Sometimes when H is fussy, we will go outside or in the closet or some place we don’t go often and he calms down.  Sometimes, I think he’s just bored!
• Combine- This one is silly, I know!! We have been riding with Rob (it’s harvest) a lot and he H loves it.  He just looks around and it completely content in that thing!  I think it’s the noise (SO LOUD).

I think I am going to make a list for mommy game changers as well.

Happy Monday!

The first few days…

(I wrote the following on 9/16/15 and never finished it.  I figured I might as well hit publish or I may never get to it!)

The first few days after H was born are somewhat of blur.  I was deliriously happy that our boy was finally here.  I was recovering from a c-section and taking pain pills every 4 hours.  There were people in our hospital room ALL OF THE TIME and we basically got no sleep. And, the breastfeeding debacle.  It has been such a thing that I will write a separate post about it later. Anyway, those first 4 days I ate [hospital cafeteria] french toast for every meal, slept in 2 hours increments, cried every time I breastfed, cried anytime a nurse, doctor or any other human asked me how I was doing, held and stared at my baby boy, cried that getting out of bed took 5 minutes and was hella painful, cried because I was so happy, cried because I felt helpless when my baby needed me and I couldn’t get up to get to him fast enough.  You get the idea.  I was an emotional MESS those first 4 days.  Oh, let’s face it, I was an emotional mess the first 2 weeks.  I have never cried so much in my life as I did those first 2 weeks.  I’m still riding that rollercoaster a bit, but it’s getting better.  I had no idea that every feeling I had would be amplified to the 10th power following having a baby.  I had heard stories, but nothing could have prepared me for the intense ups and downs I experienced those first 2 weeks.

(Update 10/13/15)

So, it has been nearly a month since I wrote that.  I am feeling MUCH MUCH better emotionally.  I still have my ups and downs and I still cry during overwhelming moments (happy ones, sad ones, stressful ones, etc), but I am on the uphill swing as far as postpartum emotions go.  I would say the hardest thing at this point is fitting everything I need to do into the day whilst caring for a newborn. By things I need to do, I mean pumping, eating, peeing, showering (yeah right), washing the bottomless bowl of pump parts and bottles.  As soon as H falls asleep, it’s a race to get all of those things done.  Sometimes, I do. Most of the time, I don’t.  That’s when I have to get creative, like putting H in the Ergo carrier and pumping one boob at a time.  Or, holding him with one arm/hand while peeing.  You get the idea.  I mean, I literally cannot put this baby boy down (while he’s awake) without him crying and I will not let him cry it out.  I just can’t and won’t do it. I could hold him all day everyday and pretty much do. I know some people would say that’s dumb or teaching him that he has to be held, but I don’t care! At night, he’ll go down fine, even awake, and sleeps for one 4-6 hour stretch and two 2-3 hour stretches in his pack and play. So, if he needs to be held all day, who cares, right!? 🙂
On the rare occasion that he is awake and content (in his rock and play/bassinet), I end up talking to him and playing with him instead of doing the things (which, really, who wouldn’t!). 

On a different note, I think the poor babe may have acid reflux or some sort of dairy allergy. I’m not really sure, but when i Google the symptoms, those two things pop up. He is SO fussy right after he eats most of the time and it lasts for about 30-45 min. He also spits up a lot and gags after he eats :(. We are currently at the farm for harvest (more on that in a different blog post), so I am contemplating finding a doc here or waiting until we get back to see his doc.  I have started eliminating dairy from my diet in case that’s the problem. It may be all in my head, but I think it might me helping a little bit.

I have about 10 other blog posts started (or started in my head!), but I just can’t finish them enough to post or even start them.  I am going to list them here (more for myself so I don’t forget!)

1. Breastfeeding & pumping/isolation
2. Harvest
3. visitors after baby
4. hospital stuff/birth plan and how I trashed it
5. game changers (baby stuff, etc)
6. baby and impacts on our marriage
7. staying at home
8. having another baby??? (as if it’s that easy!!!!!) and other idiotic things people say to an RPL mommy
9. everyone has an opinion!
10. The simple things I took for grated pre-baby  (going ANYWHERE and it not taking 3 hours to prepare to leave the house, EATiNG, peeing, showering, haha!)

Here are some pics of our sweet little boy…

Bye Bye for now!

Sleep deprivation

Since before I was married, I worried about the sleep deprivation that I goes along with having a baby. I’m a girl who likes her sleep. I’d sleep until 9 am everyday if I could and maybe even take a nap at some point during the day (both of which annoy the crap of my husband!). He’s a morning person. I’m the polar opposite of a morning person.
Even when I was pregnant, I would worry about how I would handle the chronic lack of sleep once our baby got here. Well, I’m here to tell you…
you just get used to it and honestly, it isn’t even really a thing. Once there is a tiny human relying on you for literally everything, you don’t even think about or care that you only sleep in 2-3 hour increments. You just do it and it quickly becomes something you worried about for nothing. Plus, that sweet little face looking up at you at 12, 3 and 6 am is the sweetest face you’ll ever see. Eventually, you start enjoy that speck of time.

I was talking to dear friend of mine about this and how all of it is overwhelming, but you just keep on going and she said to me:
This is easily the hardest thing you will ever do. You will run out of time, patience, clean shirts, diapers, your sense, your motivation, confidence, rest. You will run out of everything but love. And that’s ok, bc love is everything. You’ve got this.

She’s so right.

Our Birth Story

I went in to labor (officially) late Saturday night, August 22.  My husband, Rob (R), and I had been out on the boat all day and from the moment we docked the boat for the night, I felt weird.  We went to eat Mexican and I kept telling R that something wasn’t right and that I felt so much pressure I could barely walk.  We went home and I continued feeling like this until about 3AM.  I couldn’t get comfortable (which is totally normal when you’re 40 weeks pregnant!) and finally decided to get up, walk around and get some water.  From then on, I was up.  I started having contractions soon after and then realized that the weird feelings I had had the night before were actually well spaced contractions.  When I started timing them in the wee hours, they were about 8 min apart.  I began looking up, “What does labor really feel like” and other ridiculous things. After reading others experiences, I KNEW I was in labor.  R finally woke up around 7:30AM and I told him I thought I was in labor. We started timing the contractions again and they were 6 minutes apart for a couple of hours.  We walked up and down the street (thinking that may aid in making them closer together).  For awhile, they were 4-5 minutes apart, but eventually went back to 6 minutes until about 12:30 PM.  I called the Labor and Delivery unit around 9 AM and asked the nurse if we should come in.  She said that if my water hadn’t broken, then we could wait until the contractions were consistently 3-5 minutes apart (they were still 5-6) and lasting more than 45 seconds (they already were).  After this, I tried cleaning the house in between contractions (who wants to come home with a newborn to a messy house…not me!!) and we even went to pick up breakfast from our favorite place. I called again L&D again around noon, as I had a gush of water stream down my leg and had no clue if I’d peed myself (not the first time!) or if my water had broken.  This time, she said to come in and be evaluated in case my water broke.  So, we loaded up our WAY TOO MANY bags and headed to hospital.  By this time, the contractions were getting more intense and I could no longer joke or be friendly (sorry R).  They hurt and were starting to last between 1-2 minutes.  We got to L&D and checked in.  I didn’t know this, but when you’re first in labor and get the hospital, they do an “evaluation of labor” to see how far your dilated/effaced, if your water has broken, how baby is tolerating labor, your blood pressure, your pain, etc.  They said they’d keep me for 3-4 hours and then decide whether to admit me or send me home to progress there.  By hour 3, I was IN PAIN.  The contractions had started becoming less frequent, but they were STRONG.  One thing that I think is so odd is that during this evaluation, they wanted me to sit in bed the whole time.  I asked if I could walk around, sit on an exercise ball, etc, and they said I could if I was eventually admitted, but not during the evaluation phase (at least not yet).  So of course my labor slowed down, I was on my back for 3 hours and not moving!!  Anyway, I was 2 cm dilated and 80% effaced, which is crazy because I had my 40 week appointment 2 days prior and I was not dilated AT ALL and not effaced AT ALL.  I swear that boat ride did the trick!

Anyway, they finally let me walk around to try to dilate more (before they decided if I would be admitted or be sent home for a few hours.)  Honestly, the pain was so bad, I don’t know how in the world I could have come home.  They checked me again and I was “almost a 2.5.”  The nurse called the on call dr (it was Sunday) and he said I could be admitted- THANK THE LORD!!  This was around 5PM.  So, from there, I stayed a 2.5 for hours but was fully effaced and my cervix started descending (whatever that means).  The pain at this point was pretty bad.  It’s weird because during the contraction, you want to scream and throw things and cuss and cry, but the moment it’s over, you’re back to your fine, normal self…until the next one comes!

After many cervix checks, the nurse said she could feel scar tissue on my cervix and that may explain why my labor was progressing, but my cervix wasn’t responding.  She tried pulling it off (OUCH!!!), but couldn’t.  By this point is was 11PM and I was in a LOT of pain.  She said I could get an epidural since I was “basically a 3 now’ (meaning, not a 2.5 anymore and not quite a 3, but if she tells the dr that, he will say wait until I am a strong 3).  Anyway, the epidural arrived and after 10 minutes I was in I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING heaven!  The nurse said we should get some sleep and they’d come in every hour or so to check on me.  I was still hooked up to the fetal monitor and contraction monitor (whatever it’s called) and could hear the baby’s heartbeat and see my contractions.

Then, all hell broke loose around 1 AM and I didn’t sleep the rest of the night.  Around 1, my nurse came in very swiftly and told me she was moving me to my other side.  She and another nurse flipped me and then flipped me again and again, from one side to the other.  I had no idea what was going on, but they had their game faces on so I knew something was wrong.  Finally, my nurse said that the heartbeat was stable.  She then explained that I had been having very long contractions (9-11 min long) every hour or so and during this particular one, the baby’s heartbeat drastically slowed (from 150’s to 80’s).  She said he may be on his cord or have it in his hand (which knowing my baby boy now for 2 weeks, I have no double that he had that cord in his hands!!  He wants to clinch everything in his sweet little hands!) and when the contraction goes that long, he’s either squeezing his cord or moving around and laying on it.  From then on, every hour or two, the same thing would happen and each time, more people would accompany my nurse into the room to flip me around and around.  At one point, I was literally face down in mid air!  Around 6AM when it happened again, I lost it.  I was sobbing, begging her to just get him out alive. She said the dr was on his way up and that’s precisely what she thought he was going to do.  When the on call dr came in, he checked and I was 4.5 cm dilated.  I was progressing, but so slowly.  He said that he wanted to try one last thing before taking me in for a c section.  He gave me a low dose of pitocin to see if it would regulate my labor pattern.  He said that some of my contractions were unusually long (9-11 min) and had a strange pattern.  He said that he baby was not tolerating these at all (his HR was still dipping in to the 80’s during these long ones) and that once they were over, his HR would climb to the 180’s, which meant he was becoming stressed and tired and wasn’t keeping up.  I was terrified from 1 AM on and couldn’t help but think something may go terribly wrong.  After RPL, you’re literally terrified until they come out screaming…even at 40 weeks.

Once the dr came in and said we’d try this and then proceed to surgery if it didn’t work, I felt a little better.  He said that he wasn’t going to leave the floor, so that made me feel better too. The army of nurses still came in and flipped me around a couple of times, but it didn’t seem as scary knowing that the dr was on the floor and could take me in to surgery if needed.

Around 8:30 or 9, my OB came into my room (HOORAY!) and said that she had been updated about the happenings of the night and that the baby was still not tolerating labor well at all.  She said that the pitocin wasn’t working to regulate my labor pattern and baby was becoming more stressed.  She gave me a little speech about c sections and how we’ve tried everything else and I said, “I don’t need convincing! I want him out and alive, that’s it.”  I no longer had dreams of what my labor would be like or had ANY desire to wait it out.  I wanted my baby boy to be born alive and be ok.  That’s it.  She said, OK, and 10 minutes and a spinal tap later, I heard the most amazing sound I’ve ever heard….my baby boy wailing and screaming. R went to him and then they brought him to me.  Almost none of my plans (in my birth plan) happened, but I stopped caring some 15 hours before.  All that mattered was that my baby boy was here and alive and BEAUTIFUL!!!!

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