2ww update 

**Trigger warning
Well, I’m 6 weeks pregnant. I had my first beta and it was 11, which didn’t seem promising, but then I had my second beta and it was 530! I had them taken almost 7 days apart. The doubling time was 32 hours, which is great! My progesterone was also up to 22. I barely have any symptoms, so of course, this makes me nervous for what’s to come. I have an ultrasound on Friday to check for viability. I have a near panic attack every time I think about for more than a few minutes. I don’t think my husband is going to be able to go with me either. He is going to come home and stay with H while I go. I don’t want to take H bc I know what it’s like to see a baby in an imaging center waiting room and wonder if you’ll ever have one of your own. I just can’t do it. I’ll update after the u/s. We welcome any good vibes or prayers. Thank you! 

And, the saga continues…

Well, I tested last night, which is totally dumb because I was only 10dpo, maybe less. I asked my husband to grab a two pack of FRER (I know, I can’t believe he actually agreed to pick them up either!) and he got the regular First Response tests, you know the ancient ones that tell you you’re pregnant on the day you miss your period! AH! I mean, who the hell waits that long? So, last night, stark white with ONE line. I knew that it would be. I mean..it’s a regular pregnancy test at the end of the day on 9-10dpo. It’s laughable and I know better! Anyway, this morning, I took the other one. Hudson had just woken up and was crying, but I HAD TO PEE and the test was right there so….
I glanced at the test about 30 seconds after I took it and I didn’t see a second line. I ran to get Hudson and then forgot about it until I put him down for a nap. I went back to look at it again and I SWEAR I see something. I mean, it’s hours later, so it could easily be an evap line or my delusional, crazy imagination!!! You guys. I am literally watching the monitor and waiting for my sweet boy to wake up so that I can whisk him off to Target to buy more tests…real, I-want-to-know-as-early-as-possible tests. I feel like I have pregnancy test PTSD. My heart is racing. I am afraid and anxious. I am what iffing my head off…what if I am pregnant, what if I need to be on progesterone RIGHT NOW, what if I didn’t start taking the aspirin soon enough, what if being off of my high dose of folate for months is bad, what if I lose another baby, what if I wouldn’t have lost the imaginary baby if I had prepared more for pregnancy? You guys, I am a woman crazed today…

accidental 2ww

Well, it’s official. I am an idiot. My husband and I have not been using birth control, but always abstain when “we’re supposed to.” Long story short, I miscalculated BY A WEEK when I was ovulating! A WEEK. I use an app and I misread it. So, here we are. I am afraid, but in reality, I think….what are the odds? I started on 81 mg aspirin again, just in case (as if it’s that easy!). I have never had a problem getting pregnant, but staying pregnant is another story. I will probably test later this week, but seriously, what are the odds? It’s not even that I am not ready for another one….it’s that I am not ready to lose another one. ❤

Breastfeeding woes

I wish it could just be easy!! I have had so many bfing issues….tongue tie, lip tie, low supply, major blisters and cracked, bleeding nipples. I could go on, but you get the point. Anyway, I have been nursing about once a day or less lately and pumping the rest of the time. Welllll, my growing boy has decided to eat every hour and a half the last 2 weeks and he isn’t letting up. Until today, I have been able to keep up by pumping 8 times a day. Today I am barely ahead on my milk supply in the fridge and I’m at a loss. I have formula from when we supplemented the first couple of weeks, but Im not sure if I should use it or just pump even more (and possibly go crazy) in an effort to increase my supply. Ugh. I will tell you one thing, after dealing with RPL, it seems so stupid that I am even stressed about this. Everyone and their dog has an opinion about my breastfeeding and I feel like it’s totally messing with me!!!
Also, is eating this often normal?! He literally eats every hour or hour and a half from 7am to 5pm. Maybe I should give him more?? I have no idea!
End rant.

Time

I type this as I sit on the toilet, staring at my sleeping baby boy, anxious that he’ll wake up before I have time to pump, eat and wash botttles (I would say shower, but that’s a pipe dream!). When he wakes up, he’ll giggle and smile and Ill forget that I don’t even have time to pee (or write this post!). #motherhood #newborn

Game Changers (for baby) Vol.1

As most expecting mothers, eventually you start registering for, researching and buying stuff for baby.  I researched the hell out of everything to the point that of obsession and now that he’s here, I am making list of the things we couldn’t have lived without the first 8 weeks! These are mostly soothing type things, though I will say he literally cried only a couple of times until he was about 4 weeks old. Since then, he def has a fussy time (usually mornings) most days.

For us, these have been game changers…

  • Fisher Price Newborn Rock and Play Sleeper- H slept in this the couple of weeks and naps in multiple times a day.  This is a must have item in my opinion.  I carry this thing from room to room everyday.  I take in the bathroom so I can shower, in the kitchen so I can cook (I say cook loosely…let’s say heat things up!) or clean my pump stuff (which I HATE), wherever.
  • Wipe warmer- I didn’t register for one because I thought it was a silly device and waste of money.  I was WRONG.  We didn’t have one the first week and Mr. H screamed his head off any time we’d change him.  I just though he hated having his diaper changed.  Nope.  It was the wipes!  My mom and I went to Target one evening and she talked me into getting one.  Diaper changes since we started using it are, dare I say,…pleasant.  Get one.  They’re worth it.
  • Ergo 360 baby carrier- This has changed my life!  I know it has only been 8 weeks, but it really has.  Not only can you resume tasks that require two hands, but this sucker is a baby whisperer.  I am not kidding.  If H is crying and there’s no reason (he’s been changed, fed, etc), I put him in this, walk around and he is instantly calm and soon asleep.  At first, I thought it had to be a fluke, but it’s not.  I put him in this several times a day, sometimes to get dishes done or do some other two handed activity, but also to calm him down.  I will say, I had a Moby and Boba and could NOT get them on fast enough to calm him down. I suppose if I waited until he was asleep or already calm and put him in it, it would be fine.  But, these were so complicated and I was so frustrated trying to put them on (and get him in them), that I returned them.  I’d like to try another baby carrier (maybe a Ka’tan or Nesting Days??), but not one that takes me 10+ minutes to figure out!
  • Baby 411 (Book):  This book is like having a pediatrician at your house 24/7.  I bought several “How to take care of my newborn” type books and this is BY FAR the best one.  It answers EVERY question you could possibly think during the first year.  And, it was just updated, so the new revision is very current (August 2015).  They also have a Toddler 411 book that I will get and an Expecting 411 book that I wish I’d had when I was pregnant!
  • Mam pacifiers- Yes, pacifiers are controversial, but I don’t care.  We have found that he only wants one when he’s fussy for no reason.  The Mam newborn ones stay in his mouth and are much smaller than the 0-3 month ones.  Our pediatrician said that if we didn’t want our future toddler to become dependent on the paci, then we should ditch it between 6-9 months.  Otherwise, it’s no longer just a soother, but habit.  I have no idea what we’ll do, but it’s good info to have.
  • Highland’s Gas Drops- I don’t know if these work like charm or if it’s just in my head, but I swear they work instantaneously.  Sometimes, it takes a few doses, but it does the trick better than others we tried. Maybe he just likes the grape taste. Who knows?!
  • Zantac- we had an overnight hospital stay last week bc H was puking up SO MUCH breastmilk and seemed so uncomfortable and in pain. It turns out, it’s probably acid reflux. After a couple of days on Zantac, he is a happier baby and though he still spits up a lot, I don’t think he is as uncomfortable. PTL!
  • Stroller with bassinet/car seat (we have an Uppababy Vista)- Again, I use this a lot as a soothing device when H is tired,but not sleeping. I drive it all around the house and usually H falls asleep or calms down as soon as we get going.
  • White noise- Anything that makes the white noise sound works! Sometimes it’s the dryer or washer or an app on my phone or a box fan, but it helps H sleep without startling (he startles SO easily!)
  • Changing the environment- Sometimes when H is fussy, we will go outside or in the closet or some place we don’t go often and he calms down.  Sometimes, I think he’s just bored!
  • Combine- This one is silly, I know!! We have been riding with Rob (it’s harvest) a lot and he H loves it.  He just looks around and it completely content in that thing!  I think it’s the noise (SO LOUD).

I think I am going to make a list for mommy game changers as well.

Happy Monday!

The first few days…

(I wrote the following on 9/16/15 and never finished it.  I figured I might as well hit publish or I may never get to it!)

The first few days after H was born are somewhat of blur.  I was deliriously happy that our boy was finally here.  I was recovering from a c-section and taking pain pills every 4 hours.  There were people in our hospital room ALL OF THE TIME and we basically got no sleep. And, the breastfeeding debacle.  It has been such a thing that I will write a separate post about it later. Anyway, those first 4 days I ate [hospital cafeteria] french toast for every meal, slept in 2 hours increments, cried every time I breastfed, cried anytime a nurse, doctor or any other human asked me how I was doing, held and stared at my baby boy, cried that getting out of bed took 5 minutes and was hella painful, cried because I was so happy, cried because I felt helpless when my baby needed me and I couldn’t get up to get to him fast enough.  You get the idea.  I was an emotional MESS those first 4 days.  Oh, let’s face it, I was an emotional mess the first 2 weeks.  I have never cried so much in my life as I did those first 2 weeks.  I’m still riding that rollercoaster a bit, but it’s getting better.  I had no idea that every feeling I had would be amplified to the 10th power following having a baby.  I had heard stories, but nothing could have prepared me for the intense ups and downs I experienced those first 2 weeks.

(Update 10/13/15)

So, it has been nearly a month since I wrote that.  I am feeling MUCH MUCH better emotionally.  I still have my ups and downs and I still cry during overwhelming moments (happy ones, sad ones, stressful ones, etc), but I am on the uphill swing as far as postpartum emotions go.  I would say the hardest thing at this point is fitting everything I need to do into the day whilst caring for a newborn. By things I need to do, I mean pumping, eating, peeing, showering (yeah right), washing the bottomless bowl of pump parts and bottles.  As soon as H falls asleep, it’s a race to get all of those things done.  Sometimes, I do. Most of the time, I don’t.  That’s when I have to get creative, like putting H in the Ergo carrier and pumping one boob at a time.  Or, holding him with one arm/hand while peeing.  You get the idea.  I mean, I literally cannot put this baby boy down (while he’s awake) without him crying and I will not let him cry it out.  I just can’t and won’t do it. I could hold him all day everyday and pretty much do. I know some people would say that’s dumb or teaching him that he has to be held, but I don’t care! At night, he’ll go down fine, even awake, and sleeps for one 4-6 hour stretch and two 2-3 hour stretches in his pack and play. So, if he needs to be held all day, who cares, right!? 🙂
On the rare occasion that he is awake and content (in his rock and play/bassinet), I end up talking to him and playing with him instead of doing the things (which, really, who wouldn’t!). 

On a different note, I think the poor babe may have acid reflux or some sort of dairy allergy. I’m not really sure, but when i Google the symptoms, those two things pop up. He is SO fussy right after he eats most of the time and it lasts for about 30-45 min. He also spits up a lot and gags after he eats :(. We are currently at the farm for harvest (more on that in a different blog post), so I am contemplating finding a doc here or waiting until we get back to see his doc.  I have started eliminating dairy from my diet in case that’s the problem. It may be all in my head, but I think it might me helping a little bit.

I have about 10 other blog posts started (or started in my head!), but I just can’t finish them enough to post or even start them.  I am going to list them here (more for myself so I don’t forget!)

  1. Breastfeeding & pumping/isolation
  2. Harvest
  3. visitors after baby
  4. hospital stuff/birth plan and how I trashed it
  5. game changers (baby stuff, etc)
  6. baby and impacts on our marriage
  7. staying at home
  8. having another baby??? (as if it’s that easy!!!!!) and other idiotic things people say to an RPL mommy
  9. everyone has an opinion!
  10. The simple things I took for grated pre-baby  (going ANYWHERE and it not taking 3 hours to prepare to leave the house, EATiNG, peeing, showering, haha!)

Here are some pics of our sweet little boy…
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Bye Bye for now!